Look down, now look back at me. Are you wearing pants? Don't lie to me. No one likes liars. Maybe you are unsure. Let's see if I can help you find out. Before we start, I just want you to know that it is (kind of maybe) okay if you are not wearing pants. If you are in the comfort of your own home, pants are optional. If you are in the comfort of your own parents' home, pants are optional (take note, mom). If you are swimming, pants are optional. If you are wearing a skirt, dress, or shorts, pants are no longer an option at all. If you spend more than 43% of your time traveling on more than 2 of your limbs, pants are optional. There are SO many pictures I want to put up, but I will stop at two.
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| Notice how the "private sector" is the native habitat of the eternally offensive camel toe |
For the rest of us, here are some questions to answer:
Part A:
o Do your "pants" have a zipper somewhere near the top?*
o Do they have any buttons?
o Do they have pockets?**
o Do they have a drawstring? Note: this only counts if you also answer "yes" to the next question--
Are your "pants" originally intended for exercising and/or sleep?
If you have answered "yes" to any of these, you are probably wearing
pants. If you are still not sure, or if you have answered "no" to two or
more of the questions, go to Part B.
Part B
o Have you ever seen a female politician wear "pants" like yours under a skirt?
o Have you ever seen any woman (other than a goth, Betsey Johnson, or a lady hobo/George Clinton) wear "pants" like yours under a skirt?
If you have answered "no" to either of these, you are probably wearing pants. If you are still not sure, or if you have answered "no" any of the questions, go to Part C.
Part C: (you should enlist the help of an impartial stranger for this. do not ask your friends to help, they will lie.)
o Ask your observer to describe your underwear to you.
Were they right?
Did they even tell you the color and/or design?
If you answered "yes" to pretty much any of the questions in Part C, you are NOT wearing pants. If you are still not sure, you are (probably) not wearing pants.
If you are not wearing pants:
You are probably an English adolescent
You're not an English adolescent? Then you are a 40+ year old woman who just assaulted my eyes with her camel toe. That is ocular aggression and I do NOT appreciate it.
Put on some pants. No one*** finds that shit attractive
Seriously, go put on some pants.
So glad if I could help. I hope this reaches all the hooties I see on the way to school every day, and the camel-toe mamas (grandmas?) wandering around the city center. Maybe next week we can talk about why the tops of pantyhose aren't meant to be seen, and why buttcheeks are not appropriate outside of Brazil and strip clubs. I have listed some clarifications below, in case some of the terms are too ambiguous. If you are new to pants, welcome to the team. We are sure glad to have you. Maybe you can stop by mine for a no-pants Saturday sometime, if you start to miss the old days. I have listed some inspirational quotes that you can turn to, if you are having a hard day.
Whitney has taught us so much, from the wackness
of crack to the importance of pants. She is a true national treasure.
Johnny Depp might be on drugs. Mitch Hedberg brings up a good point, but
I think it's clear to say that there is no "I" in hero, and sometimes
it takes a village to help a person properly clothe him or herself. Finally, just in case you are unconvinced, please view this highly informational website: http://tightsarenotpants.com/
If you are STILL not convinced, googleimage "tights are not pants". If nothing else, see how people will mock you and generally talk about how dumb/disgusting/slaggy (that's British for "slutty") you are on the interwebs (that's the same place where facebook and twitter are. Do you want all your fb friends and followers, and other random stalkers, to know how dumb/disgusting/slaggy you are? Do you!?!?!). Please enjoy the inspirational quotes I promised:
I like being a woman, even in a man's world. After all, men can't wear dresses, but we can wear the pants.
-Whitney Houston
I may have a feather duster down my pants.
-Johnny Depp
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my
belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the
real hero?. . .
-Mitch Hedberg
* "top" is the part above the crotch, before they split off for your legs. although bottom-oriented zippers may be great, they do not necessarily help what you are wearing be pants
**Pocket Guide:
1 pocket: Are you sure those are pants? They might not be. If they are, that's cool,I guess, but how do you carry things?
2 pockets: Maybe you're born with it, maybe they're pants. You are looking good. I assume that if you are wearing pants, they are sleek
3 pockets: Yeah, those are probably pants. That seems unbalanced, but hey, whatever works for you...
4 pockets: Congratulations!! There is an 87% chance you are wearing pants!
>4 pockets: You are almost definitely in pants, but...the 90's (and hunters and fishermen) called. They said stop wearing cargo pants.
*** The type of person that finds this attractive is no good. Under NO circumstances should you enjoy their attention or procreate with them. If you have their babies, you are dead to me. No joke.
NB: I do not care about the miniscule differences between "tights" and "leggings". Neither are pants.
